An Open Letter to Mike Riley, the new Nebraska football coach.
Dear Coach Riley,
I don’t know what an “open letter” is. Seems like a hacky writing crutch for the unimaginative. Regardless, don’t let my lack of creativity take anything away from the words of wisdom penned below. I am, after all, a graduate of the University of Nebraska College of Law (a Big Ten law school).
Welcome to Lincoln, Nebraska. I think you will find that things are a bit different here than the misty, damp, hippie commune you come from in Corvallis. I’ve made a list of differences to prepare you for the move. Lists are second only to “open letters” when it comes to hacky writing crutches for the unimaginative.
1. Nebraskans drive gas powered automobiles. Sell or burn or recycle your Prius. I’m sure when you bought that Prius it was an appeal-to-the-locals move, and I suggest you do so again. Drop it in a truck stop dumpster somewhere along I-80 and buy a truck when you get here. Heck, there are plenty of dealerships that would be happy to let you drive one if you say their name once in a while.
2. Lincoln is in America, 2014. Corvallis, as you know, is trapped in time. The City ordinances are designed to prevent any new construction or remodeling that is inconsistent with the way the town looked in 1974. All new construction (like a Target or Trader Joe’s or Oregon Ducks Unlimited) has to be built outside of town. Not in Lincoln. We have stores right here where you can buy stuff. And we build new stuff too. Check out the Haymarket area.
3. We are a basketball school. Just kidding, but not as much as I may have been 5 years ago. Tim Miles is likable and likable goes a long way. He showed up on campus, smiled, tweeted some funny stuff, and they built him a brand new $179 million dollar arena. Don’t be a jerk and you can get away with a lot of stuff. Otherwise you have to try to salvage your reputation with a cat and no man should ever have to do that.
4. You are now at the “Oregon” of Nebraska. No more little brother stuff. There is no little brother here. The university system made sure of that by getting rid of the UNO football team and, to date, Hastings has posed little threat. You have the keys to the machine. It’s like you are at Oregon without all that Nike money and speed on offense.
5. You will get support from your University. We don’t have all that much money as a state but what we have we’ll give to you. Facilities, recruiting trips, salary, sandwiches, we’ll pay for it all as long as you win. In Corvallis your baseball team won back-to-back College World Series Championships and all they did was replace the popcorn machine at the little league field they call home.
6. You get to be friends with Larry the Cable Guy now. I’m not sure if it is in your contract, but part of the package is that the head football coach gets to hang out with Larry the Cable Guy. Who am I kidding, that is probably how they got you here.
7. Zoo and Warren Buffett and Omaha native Alexander Payne. I already mentioned the College World Series and Larry the Cable Guy, but according to state law I am also required to mention the world famous Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium, Warren Buffett, and Oscar award winning Omaha native Alexander Payne.
8. Local Boyz is better than Runza. I may lose my law license writing such a thing, but the fact remains that although Runzas are unique and delicious, you will miss the delicious bowls of meat and Da Sauce at Local Boyz Hawaiian Café. It may be the one thing in Corvallis you will miss other than the weather and proximity to beaches and mountains and hiking and vineyards.
9. We pump our own gas. Oregon is one of two states in the nation that doesn’t trust its citizenry enough to allow them to operate gas pumps. Instead, this dangerous work is entrusted to specialists known as “gas station employees”. Well you are back in America now where we have the choice of pumping our own gas or driving all over town looking for a full service gas station. If you need help figuring out how to do it, well, I guess our team is screwed.
9. We eat meat. Corvallis is consistently named one of the best places in America for vegetarians, which is as shameful a list as any city can find itself on. I wouldn’t even joke about that stuff around here.
10. We don’t number lists well.
11. We want to like you. This may be something we share with Corvallis, but Husker nation wants to be proud of our program. Wins are great, but even when we lose we want to be proud of the character and effort of our team and the class of our coach. Let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly been a world beater in the wins and loss column. But you’ve never had the keys to a machine like this before either. The initial naysayers will come around because eventually it is all about the N on the helmet. Welcome to Lincoln and Go Big Red.