Oikos is Greek for Puke

COMMODORE'S CONSUMER CORNER

Today's product review:

Chocolate flavored Oikos Triple Zero Greek Yogurt

Have you ever eaten anything and immediately wanted to return to college and get a degree in English because your current vocabulary is insufficient to describe how terrible it is?  If not, then you've never tried Oikos Triple Zero Chocolate Flavored Greek Yogurt. It tastes like what I imagine the underbelly of a forest creature might taste like.  A forest creature that crawls with its belly on the dank forest floor, upon which many animals have pooped.

"Hey guys, Bill from product development here.  Can you go into the lab and find a way to combine the sickening flavor of artificial chocolate with the sour taste of bile?"

"Um, we can do that, but why?"

"Just trying to prove that Americans will buy anything."

I have no idea why there was a container of chocolate flavored Oikos Triple Zero Geek Yogurt in my refrigerator.  Jessica tells me my sister wanted some but couldn't find it in any stores in Kearney so  she bought it to see what it tastes like.  Yes, you read that right.  The city of Kearney, Nebraska cares enough about its citizens that it won't even allow this to be sold there.  I gave it to my independent taste tester, a child who eats anything. Here is his reaction:

Basgusting. That is the word I was looking for.  This product is basgusting.  No need to go back to college.

The Majesty of the Foster Farms Bowl

For many Nebraska fans today is a day of disappointment.  A day of concern about the future of a program whose 5-7 team is playing in a bowl game the day after Christmas.  But for me, today is a day of great celebration.  You see, ever since I was a child, my favorite bowl game has always been the Foster Farms Bowl.

I don't know if it was the proximity to Christmas or my love of chicken, but I have always held the Foster Farms Bowl in the highest esteem. It probably stems from my admiration of Eugene Foster, the industry pioneer that took Foster Farms from a small Modesto family farm and built it into the bowl-sponsoring company it is today.

I can remember as a child I would beg my parents to let me stay up to watch the game.  You see, we wintered in Pittsburgh and kickoff was not until 9:15.  It just seemed cruel to spend the afternoon enjoying the Foster Farms Poultry Parade only to be sent to bed before kickoff. 

It seems strange now to think that at one time folks ridiculed the Foster Farms Poultry Parade for being the only parade in America where every float was made from chicken parts. Sure, in the early years it was just a lot of chicken feathers, but once Hanscomb Plumbing began grinding and dying beaks the parade transformed into nothing short of majestic.

Who can forget Sweet Johnny Shumpert's "Good Candy" float?

So you can imagine, as a Husker fan, how difficult it was for me in the 90's. All anyone wanted to talk about was this national championship game or that national championship game (there were so many). I would just sit quietly and pine for the day when my team would get an invite to that most chanticleer of all bowl games - the Foster Farms Bowl.

So here I sit, as excited as anyone can be about the Foster Farms Bowl. I can't wait for the pre-game coverage showing how excited everyone is in whatever town the game is in.  I can almost see the ceremonial pre-game chicken flyover.  And those Foster Farms commercials!!  What will they think of this year?!

Sure, the venue has changed over the years, but the rich tradition is a constant.  The game is being held in Levi Stadium this year, home of Super Bowl 50. It boasts the most vegan stadium menu in America which seems just perfect for a bowl game sponsored by an industrial chicken processing company.

I imagine the only team more excited to be here than 5-7 Nebraska is 8-4 UCLA.  What a treat for them! I'm sure their fans will show up like they always do because the loyalty of southern California sports fans is legendary. I even heard something like 35,000 UCLA fans are going to dress up like empty stadium seats just to confuse the Huskers!   

So, while many may be underwhelmed at our bowl fate this year, I will get to share this memory with my son.  He is only three, but it would be my Christmas wish that someday he will tell the story of his first Foster Farms Bowl.  A Nebraska victory.  

GBR!

Can't catch what you can't see!

The KFC Double Down Dog

Several people have asked my opinion about the new KFC Double Down Dog.  I'm not sure how I became an expert on hot dogs. Maybe it was the 100 hot dogs I ate one July or the 101 hot dogs I ate in another month to break that record or maybe it was the blog I launched devoted to hot dogs (it has since died of natural causes.) Regardless, I am honored to offer my opinions on this innovative and creative protein delivery system/narcotic.

I love almost everything about it. Tender all white meat chicken in KFC's crispy breading with a combination of spices created by a man with a mustache who called himself The Colonel. Does it get more bad ass American than that? Yes, it does. Because nestled deep inside that crispy Kentucky cocoon is an all-beef Finger of Freedom. I would say God Bless America but he already has. Not in this particular case of course, because the Triple D is only available in the Philippines at present. Come on, Philippines, do your job and buy the crap out of these so we can get them stateside or we won't buy any more Manny Pacquiao bobble heads.

Let's address the elephant in the room. The cheese sauce. Unnecessary and out of place. You're trying too hard KFC. That needs to be mustard. The other obvious question is: "Where is the bacon? Inside maybe?" No, I think they are holding that back so they can launch a Deluxe Double Down Dog (the Quad D) with bacon and fireworks.

In sum, I cannot wait to try one and I can only hope that it makes it over here in the US of A. If we will eat a waffle taco we will eat a fried chicken-covered hot dog. 

New Year's Resolutions

If you Google "New Year's resolutions” you get pages and pages of the same common resolutions: lose weight, get out of debt, quit smoking, take a trip, drink less, etc. Another one of the top hits is for "Most Commonly Broken New Year's Resolutions" and it is the exact same list.

Well this year I figure hey - if there is already a list of good New Year's resolutions, no sense in making my own. Instead I am just going to adopt the most popular resolutions in America. If it’s good enough for Ben Franklin it’s good enough for me.

But you have to have a plan or else you break those resolutions and then you go to hell. (I guess I'm not entirely sure what the penalty is for breaking a New Year's resolution but it must be pretty severe.)  So here are my adopted New Year's resolutions and how I plan to stay the course.

(Also, I have started selling product endorsements on my blog but they are so subtle you'll never even notice.)

1. Quit smoking. Nailed it. This is easy. Or do I have to start smoking and then quit? Those things are kind of expensive and since one of the resolutions is to reduce debt, I'm pretty sure I don't have to start a new habit just to stop it. Certainly the Drafters of The Resolutions would have considered consistency an important component of The List. Man, this is stressful. I wish there was a way I could just take a quick break, go outside, and relax with a mild narcotic.  

2. Lose Weight. This will be a tough one because I eat food. Every day. There, I admitted it. I feel better already, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And then placed around my midsection.

Until recently I never really had a problem with my weight. If I gained weight, I just grew a few more inches until I wasn't fat anymore. Well I think I may have topped out, so now I have to watch what I eat like normal people. I resolve to cut down to no more than 30 hot dogs per month and no bacon. Whoa, hold on there Pork Belly Futures market, I'm just kidding. I meant no QUINOA. In fact, I resolve to not eat any types of dirt in 2015. Instead, I am going to eat more Dunkin' Donuts.

3. Drink less. It is the morning of New Year's Day and I haven't had anything to drink. Check.

4. Volunteer. I am disappointed that this is a popular resolution. That means that most Americans don't volunteer at all. I can't imagine living in a world that does not spend 30 days a year with a glorious mustache. These people must live in cities where no Mustaches for Kids Chapter exists. While sad, you can do something about it.  Start a chapter. For real. My brother, Kevin, and I are now running Mustaches for Kids International and can start you off with whatever you need to launch a chapter in your very own town. E-mail us at stache@m4komaha.com to get geared up for your Growing Season and add "Be sexy" to your 2015 New Year's resolutions.

5. Kill again. This one didn't make all of the lists, but since it is out there I thought I would address it. I'm probably not going to accomplish this in 2015, but I want my enemies to know that this is on my list. I'm looking at you Leonard Nimoy (he knows why.)

6. Make a series of excuses to avoid exercise. This is my personal twist on the "get fit" resolution. Everybody joins a gym for two weeks and then just feels guilty watching that money automatically deduct each month. Instead of changing my behavior to improve my lifestyle I simply changed the resolution to accurately reflect what I am already going to be doing. To quote the 20th century philosopher Rowdy Roddy Piper, "Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions."

While some people will be busy running on treadmills, I am going to be like America and run on Dunkin'.

7. Go gluten free. Just kidding. Gluten isn't even a real thing. It's like global warming.  

8. Apologize for insensitive remarks about gluten. At some point in the new year I will likely make some statement about gluten that is insensitive and ignores those with gluten allergies. When that time comes I will need to apologize and maybe even recognize that gluten is a real thing.  

9. Travel more. This one must be for people who don't live in Nebraska. I am looking out my window right now at a frozen wasteland. Where would you even go that is better than this? I already have a few trips planned this year (Pawnee City, NE and Sioux City, IA to brag about a few). As a family we will try to do better this year. It has just been really tough to maintain any type of travel schedule since we stopped following the Grateful Dead.

The only thing I know for sure is that there will be no follow up post about whether I am accomplishing any of my resolutions, nor will much attention be paid to them at all. That I can promise you.

Here's hoping your 2015 is healthy and happy and filled with laughter and puppies and rainbows and sunshine.  If you need a hug I have a friend named Todd who will hug anyone anywhere at any time for no reason at all. If you need a pick-me-up but don't want a strange man to hug you, just to go to any Dunkin' Donuts in Nebraska on any Monday from now until January 19th and mention this blog. You will get a free cup of coffee anytime of the day. For real. You are welcome.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My 5 Least Favorite Songs About Christmas

I don't want to call them Christmas songs because there were already two genres of music dedicated to Christmas before the pop songs came out of nowhere in the 80's (you can't blame Reagan for that one).  The first are Christmas carols and they are light and playful and fun and written by kittens.  Some have entire claymation specials devoted to them.  The second, and better genre, are hymns.  They are actually about Jesus and Christmas and they are awesome and they have powerful lyrics like: 

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease

That's how you write a lyric right there.  In so many ways we have advanced as a society, but when it comes to penning Christmas lyrics we are the devolutionary equivalent of primordial ooze (there, something for the Darwin set).  So here are my five least favorite songs about Christmas and why.  For some reason, these are also the five songs that play each and every hour on the radio starting around Labor Day.

5.  Do They Know Its Christmas (band aid)

Sting:  Hey, you guys.  We are all super rich musicians and we should give back, especially around Christmas.

Guys:  Yeah, you are totally right.  But how?  Money?

Sting:  No, the starving kids in Africa don't want our money, they want our gift.  Our gift of music.  They want us to sing a song to try to make people sad about their plight and then maybe those people will give their money.

Guys:  I don't know, I think they would probably just rather have our money.  Then they could buy food and eat it.

Sting:  I see what you are saying, but what if instead of filling up on actual food, we fed them the feelings of love we could create in the world when we question whether they have calendars.

Guys:  That sounds kind of crazy Sting.  I bet if we ask them they would be unanimous in their preference for our actual money.

Sting:  I'm Sting, get your guitar.

Sappy and terribly written.  We Are the World rolled over in its grave when it heard this.

4.  Christmas Shoes (some country guy maybe)

There is nothing left to do to this song that Patton Oswalt and Matt Schur have not already done.  To sum up, a guy in line buying Christmas presents is having a bad day so God sends a boy whose mom is dying to show him the true meaning of Christmas.  This uplifting tune is delivered to you by some guy that sounds like a gravel truck.  The only Christmas shoes that matter are the new Air Jordans.

3.  Feliz Navidad  (jose feliciano)

Whoa there buddy, we were with you until now.  But this song is a classic tune of whimsy that breaks down all racial barriers.  It is nachos.

I used to like this song, but then Taco John's happened.  They co-opted this once delightful mariachi romp and enslaved it.  Can you believe they have the audacity to commercialize Christmas?

This is more an indictment of the horrible food and meat paste at Taco John's.  I can't hear the song anymore without thinking of their culinary miscreations and that is exactly what they want.  This is coming from someone who regularly eats at Taco Bell.

You want to wish me a Merry Christmas Jose?  Then just do it.  You are leaving it out there like "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, but . . . "  What did I do?  Why are you holding back?  Just wish me a Merry Christmas from the bottom of your heart and get it over with.

2.  The Twelve Days of Christmas

Admit it, you hate it.  You do.  There is something nostalgic about it, but you cringe when it starts and have never actually heard the song from start to finish. You hate the premise, you hate the repetitive nature, and you hate that you can never remember anything after day five.  

This more aptly fits into the category of "carol" than a pop song, but its awfulness transcends labels.  It will surprise no one to learn it is French in origin. Its only saving grace is that the Mckenzie Bros. version is one of my favoritest things.  (While we are here - since when did "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" become a Christmas song?)

1.  Last Christmas (Wham)

Maybe this is a terrible song, maybe it isn't.  For me, it dredges up feelings of heartbreak and sorrow and roller skating.  Around Christmastime in 9th grade I asked a girl to "go with me" as we said back in the day.  We were at Skateland, a magical place of licorice ropes, teenage sweat, and that X's and O's roller football game.  Did your junior high have a guy who was surprisingly really, REALLY good at backward skating and it turned out later he was gay?  Of course it did.  

I finally worked up the courage to ask her out (my shyness is legendary) and she said no.  She said she had a boyfriend from a different school.  I don't even remember what school she said, but I think she was making it up.  I think it was Marian.  Either way, as I skated off (the single most emasculating way to leave any situation) I heard this song.  Last Christmas.  I had just given her my heart and she gave it away.

I was devastated.  And I wasn't even smart enough to wait until it was almost time for our parents to pick us up so I had to skate around for two more hours while word of my defeat spread.  That would put me into a Nintendo gaming coma from which I would never fully recover.

I went home confused and hurt.  How could a stallion like George Michael be so wrong about loving a woman?  How?  

Either way the song is trash.  It has all the lyrical complexity of Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (for fear I may be hanging on, you know, like a yo-yo).  To compensate for how bad it is, it gets played every 12 minutes.

Merry Christmas World.  Even if some of you don't know its Christmastime at all.

Store Brand Review - Panburger Partner

From time to time in this space I will review store brands, those beautiful alternatives to name brand products. I start with my all time favorite - Panburger Partner.

I happened upon Panburger Partner at our local Hy-Vee and was perplexed. What is panburger? I promptly hustled over to the meat department and requested a pound of panburger. The butcher spied me quizzically and I enjoyed the following exchange:

Butcher: "You mean hamburger?"

Me: "No, do I look like Bill Gates to you? I am trying to make this Panburger Partner."

Butcher: "I think you can just use hamburger."

Me: "Well do I have to make it in a pan? Because I was planning to use my hot plate."

[Butcher walks off]

Well, I'm here to tell you that Panburger Partner is a top drawer substitute for the fixins of that pretentious little talking hand (we heard he was being considered for the Arby's oven mitt, but showed up drunk to the audition). I had to substitute hamburger, but it was still Pan-tastic. As the jingle goes, "Panburger Partner helps your panburger, make a great meal - ish."

(SERVING SUGGESTION)

An Open Letter to Mike Riley, the new Nebraska football coach.

Dear Coach Riley,

I don’t know what an “open letter” is.  Seems like a hacky writing crutch for the unimaginative.  Regardless, don’t let my lack of creativity take anything away from the words of wisdom penned below.  I am, after all, a graduate of the University of Nebraska College of Law (a Big Ten law school).

Welcome to Lincoln, Nebraska.  I think you will find that things are a bit different here than the misty, damp, hippie commune you come from in Corvallis.  I’ve made a list of differences to prepare you for the move.  Lists are second only to “open letters” when it comes to hacky writing crutches for the unimaginative.

1.  Nebraskans drive gas powered automobiles.  Sell or burn or recycle your Prius. I’m sure when you bought that Prius it was an appeal-to-the-locals move, and I suggest you do so again.  Drop it in a truck stop dumpster somewhere along I-80 and buy a truck when you get here.  Heck, there are plenty of dealerships that would be happy to let you drive one if you say their name once in a while.

2.  Lincoln is in America, 2014.  Corvallis, as you know, is trapped in time.  The City ordinances are designed to prevent any new construction or remodeling that is inconsistent with the way the town looked in 1974.  All new construction (like a Target or Trader Joe’s or Oregon Ducks Unlimited) has to be built outside of town.  Not in Lincoln.  We have stores right here where you can buy stuff.  And we build new stuff too.  Check out the Haymarket area.

3.  We are a basketball school.  Just kidding, but not as much as I may have been 5 years ago.  Tim Miles is likable and likable goes a long way.  He showed up on campus, smiled, tweeted some funny stuff, and they built him a brand new $179 million dollar arena.  Don’t be a jerk and you can get away with a lot of stuff.  Otherwise you have to try to salvage your reputation with a cat and no man should ever have to do that.

4.  You are now at the “Oregon” of Nebraska.  No more little brother stuff.  There is no little brother here.  The university system made sure of that by getting rid of the UNO football team and, to date, Hastings has posed little threat.  You have the keys to the machine.  It’s like you are at Oregon without all that Nike money and speed on offense.

5.  You will get support from your University.  We don’t have all that much money as a state but what we have we’ll give to you.  Facilities, recruiting trips, salary, sandwiches, we’ll pay for it all as long as you win.  In Corvallis your baseball team won back-to-back College World Series Championships and all they did was replace the popcorn machine at the little league field they call home.

6.  You get to be friends with Larry the Cable Guy now.  I’m not sure if it is in your contract, but part of the package is that the head football coach gets to hang out with Larry the Cable Guy.  Who am I kidding, that is probably how they got you here.

7.  Zoo and Warren Buffett and Omaha native Alexander Payne.  I already mentioned the College World Series and Larry the Cable Guy, but according to state law I am also required to mention the world famous Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium, Warren Buffett, and Oscar award winning Omaha native Alexander Payne.

8.  Local Boyz is better than Runza.  I may lose my law license writing such a thing, but the fact remains that although Runzas are unique and delicious, you will miss the delicious bowls of meat and Da Sauce at Local Boyz Hawaiian Café.  It may be the one thing in Corvallis you will miss other than the weather and proximity to beaches and mountains and hiking and vineyards.

9.  We pump our own gas.  Oregon is one of two states in the nation that doesn’t trust its citizenry enough to allow them to operate gas pumps.  Instead, this dangerous work is entrusted to specialists known as “gas station employees”.  Well you are back in America now where we have the choice of pumping our own gas or driving all over town looking for a full service gas station.  If you need help figuring out how to do it, well, I guess our team is screwed.

9.  We eat meat.  Corvallis is consistently named one of the best places in America for vegetarians, which is as shameful a list as any city can find itself on.  I wouldn’t even joke about that stuff around here. 

10.  We don’t number lists well.

11.  We want to like you.  This may be something we share with Corvallis, but Husker nation wants to be proud of our program.  Wins are great, but even when we lose we want to be proud of the character and effort of our team and the class of our coach.  Let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly been a world beater in the wins and loss column.  But you’ve never had the keys to a machine like this before either.  The initial naysayers will come around because eventually it is all about the N on the helmet.  Welcome to Lincoln and Go Big Red.